Night Walk in a Dream

Hello friends!

This feels a little embarrassing, but today I want to share a piece I wrote almost four years ago (wowww, time flies!), when I was still in Japan. (and was still a baby 😭)

I found an essay I wrote back then and tried translating it into English.

Hope you enjoy it 🫶

*****

In the quiet, empty basement lab, she stands alone once again. Washing metal substrates, carefully, meticulously, with fine sandpaper. The soft hiss of air flows through the machines, The pump’s steady rhythm beats like a heart. Faint traces of acetone mix with the artificial scent of rubber gloves seep through my mask, a sharp reminder of the work ahead. Yeah let’s be honest, it’s a monotonous and tedious task. 

Will the experiment work this time? 

Nope. Not a single signal.

Every day. Every single day. This long experiment always starts with washing metal substrates, carefully, meticulously. Hoping that next time, success will come.

Nope. Nothing.

Is this experiment worth it? Will it ever work? It must be. I did all the calculations carefully. I read so many papers. Next time will be different. This research must mean something. It has to. It could change the world.

…Right?

A pandemic shook the earth. Protests erupted in the streets. BTS hit No. 1 on billboard.

And there she is, observing tiny particles on a lifeless stone. Believing in its worth, alone. It’s her job to prove its meaning, though she doesn't even know how to explain it to her brother. But really—does it even matter?

Does it? It must. It must change the world…

Right?

But she remains there, with no results, Grinding stone after stone into dust…

*****

After school, in an empty room, she played the piano, alone. Laughter echoed from the courtyard outside.

Every day. Every single day.

She kept thinking: there are so many better players, more talented, more hardworking. What value does my music have? What value do I have?

Maybe nothing will ever come of this.

*****

Staring at the brightest star in the distance, it sometimes feels impossibly far away. Like an infinite void between us. Like you’re utterly alone in the universe.

Maybe that’s just what it means to be young.

But then, Someone kind and wise gently showed me something.

Hey kid, let's stop letting all those insecurity trap you.

Because, in those moments, the subject of every thought was always me, me, me.

But hey, value is everywhere, scattered like tiny jewels, waiting to be noticed. There is so much I can do with what I have now. Expectations? Judgement? Nah, people don't care. And if I open my eyes, I’ll see joy sparkling around me, tucked into the smallest, quietest corners of life. I’ll see kindness in others, in the little gestures, the gentle reassurances, the way people stand by each other even in silence. I’ll see the air itself, thick with possibility where I once thought there was only empty darkness. It's easy to feel down, but it's arrogant and ignorant to think I'm alone, it's selfish and lazy to think I'm unvaluable! And no, it's not about ignoring my immaturity. It's the opposite.

I still look at those distant stars, heart pounding with longing. But now I also feel excitement for the little bit brighter future right in front of me. And everything feels much more real, grounded and exciting. I no longer even need to shout "I can do it!" or show off my confidence.

For the first time, I have something to give—not just to myself, but to those around me. For the first time, I take pride in keeping promises to myself. I'm learning how to grow not by punishing myself, but by constantly asking myself what makes me feel good and right and authentic. For the first time, I realize—I must become my own best friend.

And isn’t that far more beautiful?

Maybe I won’t reach the peak I imagined. Maybe it’s not even the right mountain. But I know I will arrive somewhere meaningful—well, I already have seen so many breathtaking peaks, and I know I’ll keep finding more, paths extending far beyond where I stand.

I can now celebrate the success of others with genuine joy, because their light doesn’t dim mine—it only makes the night sky more dazzling. Maybe I’ll even reach my star.

But by then, it won’t matter if I do or don’t. Because values and happiness won’t depend on it.

And anyway, I’m still on this adventure, still wandering, still learning.

But even so, I know this life of mine is something incredible.

*****

And I hope with all my heart that you know yours is, too!

Thank you for always being the coolest friend, and thanks for sticking with me through this messy post 😅

Wishing you the most wonderful spring filled with beautiful melodies! 🌸🎶 (it's still snowing like crazy here but.. 😭)